Funny the Duck Joke My Favorite Year

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Quotes

• Alan Swann : Our audiences are great.

  Alan Swann : Audience? What audience? Audience?

  Benjy Stone : You knew there was an audience. What did you think those seats were for?

  Alan Swann : I haven't performed in front of an audience in 28 years! Audience? I played a butler. I had one line! I forgot it.

  Benjy Stone : Don't worry, this is gonna be easy.

  Alan Swann : For you, maybe. Not for me. I'm not an actor, I'm a movie star!

• Swann : Comedy is such a mystery to me. I feel the way Edmund Kean did.

  Benjy Stone : The great English actor?

  Swann : Mmm. On his death bed, Kean was asked how he felt. He answered, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

• Benjy Stone : Katherine, Jews know two things: suffering and where to find *great* Chinese food.

• Alan Swann : Stone... I'm afraid. I'm afraid. That's why I couldn't get out of the car to see my Tess, my child.

  Benjy Stone : Alan Swann, afraid? The Defender of the Crown? Captain from Tortuga? The Last Knight of the Round Table?

  Alan Swann : Those are movies, damn you! Look at me! I'm flesh and blood, life-size, no larger! I'm not that silly God-damned hero! I never was!

  Benjy Stone : To *me* you were! Whoever you were in those movies, those silly goddamn heroes meant a lot to *me*! What does it matter if it was an illusion? It worked! So don't tell me this is you life-size. I can't use you life-size. I need Alan Swanns as big as I can get them! And let me tell you something: you couldn't have convinced me the way you did unless somewhere in you you *had* that courage! Nobody's that good an actor! You *are* that silly goddamn hero!

• Benjy Stone : Bring Alan Swann to Brooklyn?

  Belle : Well, why not? What are you ashamed of?

  Benjy Stone : Everything!

• Uncle Morty : So, Mr. Swann, now that we sat nice, broke bread together, shared a glass of wine, I feel I know you a little.

  Swann : Morty, I feel I know you even better.

  Uncle Morty : Good! Then you won't mind if I ask you a question?

  Benjy Stone : Uncle Morty!

  Uncle Morty : What are you worried? It's not personal. What was I - born in Minsk or Pinsk? I know my way around.

  Swann : Morty, ask your question.

  Uncle Morty : That paternity rap a couple of years ago - did you shtupp her? Did you go all the way? What? What?

• [Alan Swann pours himself a drink]

  Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann, I was supposed to watch you, remember?

  Swann : Good. Watch this.

  [Pours another drink]

• K.C. : Benjamin, we're in the middle of an interesting conversation, here.

  Benjy Stone : Oh, I bet it's *real* interesting. What's the subject of this *interesting* conversation?

  Alan Swann : [gazing deep into K.C's eyes] These eyes. They're Merle Oberon's eyes.

  Benjy Stone : Merle Oberon's! Oh, and what's Merle doing for eyes? Using Katharine Hepburn's?

• K.C. : Do you think there are funny people and not-funny people?

  Benjy Stone : Yes. Definitely. On the funny side there are the Marx Brothers, except Zeppo; the Ritz Brothers, no exceptions; both Laurel *and* Hardy; and Woody Woodpecker. On the unfunny side there's anybody who has ever played the accordion professionally.

• Alan Swann : [a very drunken Stone and Swann looking down from the roof at an apartment balcony below] Now, all we have to do is get from here - to there.

  Benjy Stone : It won't work!

  Alan Swann : It worked perfectly well in "A Slight Case of Divorce"!

  Benjy Stone : That was a movie! This is real life!

  Alan Swann : What is the difference?

• Leo Silver : [reading from a newspaper] "To the question, 'What were you doing naked in Central Park, in Bethesda Fountain, at 3 in the morning?' Swann replied, 'The back stroke.'" Now, is this your idea of watching him, Benji?

  Benjy Stone : The police are treating it like a parking ticket. It's no big deal.

  Sy : No big deal? We've got kids watching this show. We're talkin' generations to come, here! We're discussin' morals, here!

  Alice Miller : [for Herb] You're not qualified to discuss morals, Sy.

  Sy : Up your hole with a Mello Roll, Alice! And yours too, Herb!

• Alan Swann : Stone, women love to be intrigued. They enjoy unraveling the mystery that is man, but you must allow them the freedom to discover you.

  Benjy Stone : Is that what you do?

  Alan Swann : No. I don't have that luxury. The women who are interested in me know exactly who I am and what they want, and nine times out of ten, they get it.

  Benjy Stone : That's some curse.

  Alan Swann : You'd be surprised. You see, no matter what I do, I can never fulfill their expectations.

• Benjy Stone : [Last lines] Like Alfi says, "With Swann, you forgive a lot, you know." I know.

• Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann, I think I'm going to be unwell.

  Swann : Stone, ladies are unwell. Gentlemen vomit.

  Benjy Stone : Mm-hm.

  Swann : [to a random gentleman] Alfredo, you needn't wait. We shan't need the car any more. We're going to throw up in the park and then walk home.

• Benjy Stone : [First lines] 1954. You don't get years like that anymore. It was my favorite year.

• Sy : A week's salary, Swann takes a dive. Hey, Swann dive! Bam-Boom!

  Benjy Stone : You're on!

  Swann : [Wakes up, stands up] Double the lad's bet for me, you toad!

  [Passes out]

• Belle : Before your beloved father passed away - and eventually died, he said to me, "Belle, after I go, get someone to be with. Someone nice. A pal."

  Benjy Stone : So you went out and found a Filipino batamweight named Rookie Carroca?

• Benjy Stone : First rule: never tell a joke sitting down. You have to be on your feet - and use your hands: This guy walks into a Psychiatrist's office. He has a duck on his head. The Psychiatrist says, "Can I help you?" The duck says, "Yeah, get this guy off my ass."

• Benjy Stone : This is live television.

  Swann : Live? Live? What does live mean?

  Benjy Stone : It means the exact moment your cavorting and leaping around that stage over there, 20 million people are seeing it.

  Swann : What a minute. What a minute!

  Benjy Stone : Swann, you're white.

  Swann : You mean it all goes into the camera lens and then just spills out into people's houses?

  Benjy Stone : Yeah.

  Swann : Why is it nobody had the goodness to explain this to me before?

• Belle : I behalf of everyone here, I would like to welcome you to our humble chapeau!

  Benjy Stone : Two years at the Sorbonne, she still gets it wrong.

• K.C. : I mean, what do you want from me?

  Benjy Stone : Sex!

• Sy : Swann's never going to show up anyhow.

  Alice Miller : We'll find him, Sy.

  Benjy Stone : What happened?

  Alice Miller : He landed fine last night. That much we know.

  Benjy Stone : So where is he?

  Sy : Where else? Drinking and humping!

• Swann : We'll talk over dinner.

  Benjy Stone : Me? You? The Stork Club?

  Swann : Well, after that rather eloquent speech you made earlier this morning, I didn't think you'd mind having dinner with me.

  Benjy Stone : You heard that? But, you were out?

  Swann : There's out and there's out.

• Benjy Stone : Okay, here we go. These are all dim sum - Chinese dumplings. These are pan fried, those are steamed - they're good just with vinegar. Chili sauce - stay away from this, baby. A couple of drops of this and you're tongue dials the fire department.

• Benjy Stone : Dim sum are too hard to eat with chopsticks. Don't make yourself crazy.

• Swann : By-the-by, Stone, where is this - Brooklyn?

  Benjy Stone : Another world.

• Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann, may I present my mother: Mrs. Belle Mae Steinberg Carroca of Brooklyn, New York and Miami Beach, Florida for two weeks, each and every winter.

• Belle : Al...

  Benjy Stone : Ma...

  Belle : What?

  Benjy Stone : It's not Al. If I bring Capone or Jolson, then it's Al.

  Uncle Morty : Jolson's coming?

• K.C. : Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

  Benjy Stone : Sanctuary my ass!

  [Follows K.C. into the Ladies room]

• Benjy Stone : What are you doing?

  Alan Swann : Drinking and leaving!

• Benjy Stone : Doesn't Sy's office take on a whole different feeling at night?

  K.C. : Yeah, it gets worse.

• Benjy Stone : Why did you marry so many of them?

  Swann : Stone, I didn't marry any of them. They - married me.

• Benjy Stone : In 1954, a Buick was a Buick. It didn't look like a Chevy, which looks like a Pontiac, which you can't tell a part from an Olds. Like today.

• Swann : Stone, I want you to know that this morning I had absolutely no idea I was in the process of inserting myself into an arrangement that already existed between you and Miss Downing.

  Benjy Stone : Would it have made any difference?

  Swann : No.

• Swann : Are you in love with the girl?

  Benjy Stone : I think I am. But, I don't know what she wants.

  Swann : Romance, Stone. That's the only thing that you can be sure they all want.

• Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann, may I tell you something? Benjy Stone is not who he seems to be.

  Swann : Who is Stone, who is?

• Benjy Stone : Is that think or drink?

  Swann : Yes!

• Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann!

  Swann : Oh my god, it's Stoneburger. Will you ever let me alone?

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0084370/characters/nm0513021